Author: Rachel All Day

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Another Trip Around the Sun

So Long 42…

These trips around the sun are getting shorter and shorter! Although this year I was a little short on inspiration for my birthday, I’m certainly thankful to celebrate another year and looking forward to the next!! I look back, thankful to have my hair (even though I’m getting the itch to chop it again…haven’t broken that to Taylor yet), and extremely thankful for good health and a NED (no evidence of disease) status!

I always look forward to my birthday, even on the years where I’m low on inspiration and without big plans – I see a birthday as ALWAYS worth celebrating! Age doesn’t really phase me…I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed every year. I don’t dread turning a year older. I love a new year, fresh start, another opportunity to evaluate and set new goals and aspirations. Taylor also has a lead on me in years which probably helps take the sting out of any milestone birthdays! But as he likes to say, I’m catching up to him. As I turn 43, I’ve decided to make a 43 List: 43 things I’d like to accomplish at 43. Working on my “tan” will be at the top. One of the side-effects of my natural treatment protocols: a carrot juice “tan”. I’ve relaxed a little too much on my juicing and lost my tan. That will be one thing I immediately start working on in this new year… a year-round “tan”!

Working on my “tan”!

A birthday is also a celebration of another year of life God has granted. With no guarantee of tomorrow, I see a birthday as that much more significant – a celebration of a year of tomorrows lived (some better than others). Closing out 42, I had a couple of days this week that were just a flat trudge if you know what I mean. Those days where you lack motivation for various reasons and your just holding onto time as it drags you through its day. Yep, I had a couple of those days. On these kind of days, I have to work hard to choose to be thankful, to see the positives, to recount my blessings, and to just press forward knowing (praying) that tomorrow is coming and with it a new day and fresh start! I must confess that I’ve asked God if he would just freeze time again as He did in Joshua 10:13, “So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped….” So far, He obviously thinks I have enough time in my day. And so, I guess I do. All Day. Every Day. I just need to make the most of it!

Trudge Relief Tips… When Time doesn’t stand still

  • Get Quiet and Get Perspective. I like to practice some mindfulness exercises – deep breathing and quieting my mind before God. If you haven’t practiced mindfulness exercises, check them out! Like I said, I’m a fan of the deep breathing exercises and focusing my thoughts. I also like that I can do these virtually anywhere and be more intentional with what I meditate on.
  • Worship. I think everyone can agree – music effects you and your mood. Putting on worship music and just letting it play, even when I don’t “feel” like worshiping or singing or whatever – helps alleviate the “trudge” mindset. It also sets the tone for a productive quiet time with God.
  • Scripture Reading. Whether I play my Bible app and let it read to me or I dive into passages myself. Renewing my mind and confessing God’s word and truth centers me and helps reset my perspective and outlook.
  • Get out. Getting out of my own head and saying yes to community helps reset my perspective as well. Isolation and loneliness is a playground for a low motivation trudge which can quickly escalate to being absolutely stuck. Say yes to that coffee or lunch invitation even if you don’t look or feel like it. And absent an invite, take initiative and breakthrough by reaching out to a friend… if only to ask them to pray for you – make yourself do it. Note: social media is NOT the community I’m referring to nor an acceptable substitute for the real deal!
  • Move your body! Exercise is such a great stress reliever. My mental game is so much stronger when I’m regularly exercising! I consider it, not only in my best interest but that of my family and friends as well.
  • Go to bed. Get sleep. This one is by far the hardest for me! I have been such a night owl most of my life and when Taylor is traveling (which he does on occasion…haha), let’s just say I have found my couch sleeps really comfortably. Late night scrolling social media or binge watching Netflix does not result in true down time or “rest”. And the social media struggle is real – It is hard to pull out of a deep scroll… if you don’t know what I mean – then you have successfully avoided the social media vortex (I don’t know whether to congratulate you or express my sympathy – ha!)

These are some of my go-to funk busters and just writing them down helps encourage and motivate me to get better acquainted with them myself. Obviously, I put some of these into practice this week – practice makes perfect.

Hello 43…

It is going to be a great year, but I also expect it to be a wild ride! I am so expectant and excited about the next part of the journey. We’ve got a few dreams we are chasing and I told Taylor, I feel like a dog chasing a car – what are we going to do when we catch it?! Looks like we will get the chance to find out sooner than later. I look forward to bringing you along in the journey. Stay tuned….

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SURVIVOR

sur·vi·vor/sərˈvīvər/noun

  1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.
3.22.2019 Survivor Walk, Providence Style Show

This is me now. This is kind of hard to come to terms with especially when I have friends and acquaintances who are still battling or have recently lost their battle. It is certainly a celebrated status, but can also be a heavy reality. I had the privilege last week to “model” in the Providence Style Show which this year benefited the Providence Breast Health Center. I’ve definitely spent some time in this center over the last almost two years now and I am so thankful for the staff and volunteers! So, when asked if I would model this year, I couldn’t resist given my own recent journey. I have modeled in the style show a few times over the years. Even Taylor has rocked the runway (pictures to prove it on my social media accounts… and I’ll post one here if I can put my hands on it -Sorry for the grainy quality!)

2017 – Taylor with “Style Show Long Hair”, Providence Style Show – extra fun to do together.

It is a little uncanny to see that these style shows are two years apart. What perfect timing. Little did I know while modeling in the 2017 style show with Taylor, that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer a few months later. Wow, how a lot can change and rock your world in a short period of time!

Taylor was invited to bring his model-good-looks back to the runway this year, but opted to pour champagne instead. I know you are all shocked!

2019 – Clean Cut and Pouring Champagne for tips – “FUNdraising”!

In all honesty, at the conclusion of a prior style show, I had decided that I would politely decline if invited again to model in the future. Not because of a bad experience – no, I didn’t bust it on the runway or anything! My outfits were all fine – some I loved, some were okay. I don’t get stage fright. I always enjoy networking, meeting new people, supporting Providence Foundation and doing something different. It was just one of those “yes” commitments that seemed like a good idea at the time – not requiring too much prep (if you don’t count the diet that should have started about 6 weeks earlier- LOL). But as it approached, it always seemed to be less than ideal timing with life’s events, work, kid schedules, wishing I had started that diet regimen, missed workouts, last minute “to dos” and all the things. This year was no exception, except that I didn’t over think it. I didn’t stress over scheduling the fittings. In fact, I had waited until the last minute to get in for my formal fitting with Lacy at G2 by Georgios. I can’t say enough great things about Lacy (we have a whole other story about the formal I’m wearing above in the 2017 show – but I won’t go into that one now except to say that Taylor almost had to walk that last scene alone). Lacy informed me that she had only ONE item for me to try on this year and she knew it would be perfect – I’d be in and out in 10 minutes. I had my doubts when I found out it was a pantsuit. Don’t get me wrong, I love pantsuits, but they usually have a 50/50 chance of either being fabulous or disastrous. But obviously, she is that good and she nailed it. I couldn’t have planned this outfit better if I had tried.

THE Pantsuit (with my very own paparazzi, aka my sister, Rebekah)

Another thing I didn’t do – I didn’t play the “if I had just squeezed one more good workout in, I’d feel better in my outfits”. Nope, I owned the “it is what it is” outlook without a second thought. Overall, without even really thinking about it, I had decided it was about the mission. It was about celebrating this two year journey. My perception is forever shifted. My motivation to say “yes” this time around carried more significance and with it – freedom.

Survivor Walk

2019 Providence Style Show

Providence added one last runway walk for all cancer survivors this year which of course, made it all the more special. Walking this year for me was a walk in victory and joy. That last walk was a very emotional one for many – including my sister who gets credit for being my own little paparazzi (I sure couldn’t ask for any better). However, I didn’t shed a tear. Although, I’m not really over-emotional, I have definitely had my moments in this journey and still do. But during this walk, my overwhelming emotion was joy and gratitude for life and victory over some hard circumstances.

Someone had commented the night before during our rehearsal, “who ISN’T a survivor”? It was a general reference to the fact that we all have survived various life challenges. Now she was quick to recover in fear of offending one of us cancer survivors. In my opinion, there was no offense to be taken. I can certainly agree with her. The song “I Will Survive” begins to play in my head when I think of these circumstances. And in the eloquent words of Taylor, actually this phrase won him his own tag, compliments of my cousin – #TaylorsRedundancyWisdom – “The hardest thing you’ve ever been through is the hardest thing you’re going through.” When you think about it, it is so true. Your endurance and capacity gets challenged and you find out you really have more of both than you think you do! And of course, when your capacity is directly linked to God’s capacity, there will be no stopping you!

This journey stretched me, shook me to my core, tested my faith and I am forever changed by God’s faithfulness to meet me every step of the way. I am a survivor. However, I am truly thriving because of God’s work in me. Survive and Thrive – All Day, Every Day!

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But are you OK?

YES… I’m better than OK! I just have a few more doctor appointments routinely scheduled, needle sticks for routine lab work, and a new plant based diet to enjoy. But on the whole, I’m settled into a new “normal”. So, please don’t be afraid to ask whatever questions you want next time you see me … no need to tiptoe around your curiosity! And for all the teasing I may endure regarding my vegan diet, I can take it! My dad is the champ at always encouraging my sister and I to not take things personally and to laugh at ourselves. If you know him, you know exactly what I’m talking about! I have him to thank for my healthy sense of humor and my tendency to dish out some good natured teasing myself!

And the BIGGER question I realize most have is “what is your status now”? Well, even better than a status of “remission” is a status of “NED or No Evidence of Disease” which is where I currently stand – NED. I don’t end that sentence with an “!” because although I celebrate it, the real work in keeping that status is ever before me in how we manage the risk of re-occurrence.

Statistics show that the highest rates of re-occurrence happen in the first two years post diagnosis & intervention. I’m definitely still in that window and although I ‘feel’ good; how I feel isn’t a strong indicator I take a lot of comfort in since I felt fine prior to diagnosis. It is more about being disciplined to the process and staying committed to my treatment plan despite my feelings. Isn’t this true for so much of life in general? Two years is like a marathon in this endeavor and can be challenging for my personality which is more geared towards the sprint distances. To settle in and plod through is a much more challenging routine for me. So, it is definitely a place I’m growing in and learning to endure … I type this with a slight cringe and with gritted teeth! And it isn’t like once I’m past the two year window, my life just reverts back to pre-diagnosis “normal”. Just like this diagnosis marks my medical history, it will forever mark my diet and lifestyle choices. As I mentioned before, my goal is to create an environment hostile to this disease and I look forward to doing it for many, many years to come (way past the 5 and 10 year standard oncology outcome measurements)!

I know there are more than a few readers who had mixed emotions upon reading about this journey – all from a place of well-intentioned concern. Please don’t take offense to me not sharing with you personally (or to any of my family members not sharing openly). Going back to my last post regarding the stigma associated with the word cancer, I had some processing to do myself! It definitely isn’t something I would ever choose to lead into a conversation with… especially if I haven’t seen someone in a while! I guess it could be a whopper of an ice-breaker. And my family… well, they are very respectful of my journey and I’m pretty sure they didn’t feel like it was their story to tell 🙂 And let’s skip the awkward, “oh my goodness, I had no idea” – well I sure don’t fault you for that since there was no way for you to have any idea unless I had time to share with you! I mean, I might show up with a bold hairstyle or color sometime, but I’ll go on record now that a bald head isn’t on my bucket list at the moment. So, barring me sporting a bald head or some other form of side effect that might make you (and anyone else) wonder about my physical health, there was really no good way for you to have known.

Another big shift in this new normal is how I look at mortality. All of a sudden, I’m NOT invincible. [insert mind blown emoji here followed by a hearty LOL] As Taylor said, “someone stole your superman cape“? And the timing of this journey was quite comical given we had just completed our estate plans. Talk about a dose of reality. Talks of life insurance coverage and those “what if” scenarios became much closer than they originally appeared… so to speak!

Also, every time I see a show or movie with a cancer patient or a mom who dies too soon… well, let’s just say I process those visuals and emotions with a little more emotion than I had previously. I am not afraid of dying. I just have no interest in getting there too soon. It ushers in a perspective shift. As a friend shared this week after we discussed this journey of mine, Tim McGraw’s song Live Like You Were Dying can get stuck in your head. It is certainly true, every moment is taken in with a little more intensity and sentiment. I went back and listened to the song again and although the “Good Book” is already a part of my daily life and I have no real desire to go sky diving or ride a bull named Fumanchu, I may linger a little longer now just to stop and observe my girls playing outside with Hope or to close my eyes
soaking in the warmth of the sun overwhelmed with gratitude. The most mundane and routine moments of life can seem so rich and no longer an imposition. I still have those days when I lack motivation for the day’s activities and just have to press on through, but it is easier now to shift perspective. And it is certainly easier to embrace the phrase “Life is too short….” I love the freedom that this embrace invokes to live more boldly and without hesitation.

Taking a good hard look at your life is a great exercise. What would you do differently? How would you relate to others? To what would you devote your time? Would you forgive quicker, love deeper, talk sweeter? Would you find the good more often? Would you get out on the dance floor? Would you take that risk? Would you respond to God in a different way? Would you acknowledge God more often? How would you live if you knew you were dying? Spoiler alert, WE ARE ALL DYING. Time to get busy living like it – All Day, Every Day!


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Life After Diagnosis

June 21, 2017 – The day after diagnosis, I started taking back some ground. I think the biggest frustration for me at that time was the stigma of fear and uncertainty that is attached to the word “cancer”. I confess, I’m guilty of the saddened heart sinking feeling and emotion upon finding out about someone else’s cancer diagnosis followed by a quick relief filled breath of “glad it isn’t me”. Not so guilty anymore! For this very reason and stigma, we didn’t even use the word “cancer” when discussing with our girls (and still don’t). After all, they have no real concept of the stigma, but I didn’t want someone’s well intentioned sorrow and compassion to be their introduction.

If there is one thing I absolutely can’t stand and have zero tolerance for, it is having a victim mentality. Or being seen and treated as a victim. I am not a victim.  I was not created to be a victim, made into a victim and will not be seen as a victim. There is no place or room for a victim identity when you are created in the image of God. But knowing it and walking in the reality of an identity in Christ are two different things. Receiving a diagnosis of cancer provided the ultimate testing ground for what has always been my foundational understanding of God’s word and truth. It revealed what is truly written upon my heart. I know the power of prayer, community and support and I definitely have a fantastic support group in my family and friends!

Finding myself thrown into a world where I had no first-hand experience or understanding, overwhelmed with the information, treatment options and what-if scenarios being presented and expected to still make a decision on how to proceed was daunting. The world of cancer is a medical industry machine. Standard procedure of care is the governor. Success is measured in 5 and 10 year survival rates. And for all the research and advancements in treatment options, there still remains the ultimate fact that there is no known medical cure. Period.  End of discussion. The best that is offered is a successful attempt at removal followed by an effectively managed risk of re-occurrence.  But too often, to achieve that result involves devastating the body and its systems incurring increased risks of secondary issues and sometimes permanent damage. Welcome to the ultimate rock and hard place. The ultimate choice between lesser evils. Weighing the cost benefit of treatment options and hoping you and your medical team advised, guessed and managed successfully.

Continue reading “Life After Diagnosis”
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Hello World!

While on maternity leave with my twin girls {who I affectionately often refer to as The Hobbettes… think ‘Rockettes’ when pronouncing it not to be confused with the furry footed endearing Lord of the Rings characters: the Hobbits}, my husband came in from work to find me at the kitchen sink, washing bottles, etc. only to ask teasingly, “What are you doing? Washing bottles again?”  To which I quickly replied, “All Day.  Every Day.”  And immediately it became a comical mantra between us.

It has come to mind so many times over the last year and half of my life’s journey.  I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging as a means of recording my thoughts, my happenings and also to inspire and encourage others!   My story and journey is my own – similar to others, different in my own ways and choices, but no more important than anyone else’s.  Truth is, this simple fact probably was the reason for my delayed start. The world doesn’t need another blog.  No one needs another thing to read or follow… especially if it keeps them from living their own life!  We all get a life to live and new beginning every day!  Life is grand that way – each day, each moment, we have freedom to make a choice.  Some are the most simple and common and some are heavier with greater impact or consequence.  Don’t let what doesn’t matter steal the moments that could matter most.

Continue reading “Hello World!”

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