But are you OK?

YES… I’m better than OK! I just have a few more doctor appointments routinely scheduled, needle sticks for routine lab work, and a new plant based diet to enjoy. But on the whole, I’m settled into a new “normal”. So, please don’t be afraid to ask whatever questions you want next time you see me … no need to tiptoe around your curiosity! And for all the teasing I may endure regarding my vegan diet, I can take it! My dad is the champ at always encouraging my sister and I to not take things personally and to laugh at ourselves. If you know him, you know exactly what I’m talking about! I have him to thank for my healthy sense of humor and my tendency to dish out some good natured teasing myself!

And the BIGGER question I realize most have is “what is your status now”? Well, even better than a status of “remission” is a status of “NED or No Evidence of Disease” which is where I currently stand – NED. I don’t end that sentence with an “!” because although I celebrate it, the real work in keeping that status is ever before me in how we manage the risk of re-occurrence.

Statistics show that the highest rates of re-occurrence happen in the first two years post diagnosis & intervention. I’m definitely still in that window and although I ‘feel’ good; how I feel isn’t a strong indicator I take a lot of comfort in since I felt fine prior to diagnosis. It is more about being disciplined to the process and staying committed to my treatment plan despite my feelings. Isn’t this true for so much of life in general? Two years is like a marathon in this endeavor and can be challenging for my personality which is more geared towards the sprint distances. To settle in and plod through is a much more challenging routine for me. So, it is definitely a place I’m growing in and learning to endure … I type this with a slight cringe and with gritted teeth! And it isn’t like once I’m past the two year window, my life just reverts back to pre-diagnosis “normal”. Just like this diagnosis marks my medical history, it will forever mark my diet and lifestyle choices. As I mentioned before, my goal is to create an environment hostile to this disease and I look forward to doing it for many, many years to come (way past the 5 and 10 year standard oncology outcome measurements)!

I know there are more than a few readers who had mixed emotions upon reading about this journey – all from a place of well-intentioned concern. Please don’t take offense to me not sharing with you personally (or to any of my family members not sharing openly). Going back to my last post regarding the stigma associated with the word cancer, I had some processing to do myself! It definitely isn’t something I would ever choose to lead into a conversation with… especially if I haven’t seen someone in a while! I guess it could be a whopper of an ice-breaker. And my family… well, they are very respectful of my journey and I’m pretty sure they didn’t feel like it was their story to tell 🙂 And let’s skip the awkward, “oh my goodness, I had no idea” – well I sure don’t fault you for that since there was no way for you to have any idea unless I had time to share with you! I mean, I might show up with a bold hairstyle or color sometime, but I’ll go on record now that a bald head isn’t on my bucket list at the moment. So, barring me sporting a bald head or some other form of side effect that might make you (and anyone else) wonder about my physical health, there was really no good way for you to have known.

Another big shift in this new normal is how I look at mortality. All of a sudden, I’m NOT invincible. [insert mind blown emoji here followed by a hearty LOL] As Taylor said, “someone stole your superman cape“? And the timing of this journey was quite comical given we had just completed our estate plans. Talk about a dose of reality. Talks of life insurance coverage and those “what if” scenarios became much closer than they originally appeared… so to speak!

Also, every time I see a show or movie with a cancer patient or a mom who dies too soon… well, let’s just say I process those visuals and emotions with a little more emotion than I had previously. I am not afraid of dying. I just have no interest in getting there too soon. It ushers in a perspective shift. As a friend shared this week after we discussed this journey of mine, Tim McGraw’s song Live Like You Were Dying can get stuck in your head. It is certainly true, every moment is taken in with a little more intensity and sentiment. I went back and listened to the song again and although the “Good Book” is already a part of my daily life and I have no real desire to go sky diving or ride a bull named Fumanchu, I may linger a little longer now just to stop and observe my girls playing outside with Hope or to close my eyes
soaking in the warmth of the sun overwhelmed with gratitude. The most mundane and routine moments of life can seem so rich and no longer an imposition. I still have those days when I lack motivation for the day’s activities and just have to press on through, but it is easier now to shift perspective. And it is certainly easier to embrace the phrase “Life is too short….” I love the freedom that this embrace invokes to live more boldly and without hesitation.

Taking a good hard look at your life is a great exercise. What would you do differently? How would you relate to others? To what would you devote your time? Would you forgive quicker, love deeper, talk sweeter? Would you find the good more often? Would you get out on the dance floor? Would you take that risk? Would you respond to God in a different way? Would you acknowledge God more often? How would you live if you knew you were dying? Spoiler alert, WE ARE ALL DYING. Time to get busy living like it – All Day, Every Day!