Hello World!

While on maternity leave with my twin girls {who I affectionately often refer to as The Hobbettes… think ‘Rockettes’ when pronouncing it not to be confused with the furry footed endearing Lord of the Rings characters: the Hobbits}, my husband came in from work to find me at the kitchen sink, washing bottles, etc. only to ask teasingly, “What are you doing? Washing bottles again?”  To which I quickly replied, “All Day.  Every Day.”  And immediately it became a comical mantra between us.

It has come to mind so many times over the last year and half of my life’s journey.  I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging as a means of recording my thoughts, my happenings and also to inspire and encourage others!   My story and journey is my own – similar to others, different in my own ways and choices, but no more important than anyone else’s.  Truth is, this simple fact probably was the reason for my delayed start. The world doesn’t need another blog.  No one needs another thing to read or follow… especially if it keeps them from living their own life!  We all get a life to live and new beginning every day!  Life is grand that way – each day, each moment, we have freedom to make a choice.  Some are the most simple and common and some are heavier with greater impact or consequence.  Don’t let what doesn’t matter steal the moments that could matter most.

So, WHY am I now blogging?  Straightest answer:  to inspire, encourage, motivate and maybe just make someone laugh.  In any case, it could provide good material for my children and grandchildren to laugh and enjoy at my expense (or theirs).  Wow – grandchildren – they are a little hard to imagine.  Took me long enough to warm to the idea of having my own children and man, I’m so glad I did!  My Hobbettes are living, breathing miracles and answered prayers (lots of them I might add).  I always said (and I know I’m not the first) that children change your life.  Most days for the good, some days for the challenge, but ALWAYS for the unselfish better if we let them.   I’m sure I’ll have future posts on these days after all, children are a constant provider of good material, but for now, back to WHY am I now blogging…

On Jun 20, 2017, I received a life changing diagnosis.  For all those minds of yours that went there, yes, the Big-C was introduced to me very personally.  With no family history or other known risk factors, I was informed that I had a little mass that pathology categorized as Stage 1 breast cancer.  At that point, the full pathology report wasn’t back yet, but a frenzy of “what if” scenarios, treatment plans and next steps were all broadly introduced but hinging on more tests.  I can close my eyes now and step right back in my mind’s eye on that day, that moment, the swirling thoughts and emotions.  Suddenly, I was very alone in a small room full of acquaintances with compassionate eyes full of sorrow and concern. My brain and my body disconnected.  I remember my eyes filling with tears, my brain struggling to process the words and my body entering control mode over my breathing and speech, repeating “ok, wow, ok”. Until then, the word “cancer” had no quantifiable, tangible identity with me.  I mean, there was no history of cancer in my family. Certainly, none at my age.  Speaking of my age and lack of family history, the odds were “ever in my favor” that this should have been a routine nothing-to-worry about biopsy. Well, odds are fickle. They are simply chances or probabilities. How often do we take false comfort in chances or probabilities or more so, allow them to cause us undue concern or anxiety? It is human nature with the practice of educated guess that looks for patterns and probabilities to anticipate outcomes we have no way of accurately predicting.  That summer the odds were wrong and I found myself on a battlefield. That day may rate as the lowest and hardest in my now 42 years, forever etched in my mind, soul and spirit.

You may be wondering, where was my husband, Taylor?  Until then, we honestly didn’t think the pathology report was back yet as I had to move my appt. up earlier in the week given we were headed out of town. It isn’t our natural tendency to worry about odds or to waste mental energy on the unknown.  There was no reason for him to interrupt his day if we didn’t have the results back yet.  That abruptly changed after receiving my 9-1-1 style “COME NOW” text message.  He left work immediately and walked into the room with quiet anticipation.  And with another wave of emotion, I was able to recall and relate in a relatively succinct manner the information my Doctor had been explaining to me.  Although still in a state of surprise, there was a still calm which allowed for me to hear and process what the doctor was explaining. The medical team had been a little concerned about me being by myself, receiving the report and being able to retain the information.  I think we were all pleasantly surprised.

We walked out of that office that day a little raw, with little words, lots of thoughts, somber countenances, heavy hearts but hand in hand and eyes lifted to the heavens.  I’ll admit, my eyes were quite a leaky mess.  My Taylor-man, a steadfast supportive rock.  If you know him, you know he is a man of few words and fewer emotions.  We are opposite in this respect.  He prescribes to the theory of why use two or more when one word will do?  Clearly, I tend to go with the theory that more words help communicate the point resulting in better understanding and interpretation. Although not overly emotional or given to tears, I am excitable and not conservative in my excitement! He likes to tease me over my love of the “!”. It is my favorite punctuation mark! My liberal use of it portrays how I live life and tell stories. Taylor’s conservative communication style only makes his deep love, commitment, faithfulness and loyalty that much sweeter to experience and receive – not to mention the joy and delight his genuine smile and laughter evokes. That afternoon though, I was quiet, thoughtful and teary eyed, struggling somewhat to wrap my mind around the news – sometimes processing out loud and other times with just a tear-filled look. Taylor’s presence was exactly what I needed, giving me space to process freely, but with a rock solid quiet confidence with no shadow of fear.  Time stood still that afternoon.  The solid and absolute truths that resonated with me that day:  God knows the beginning, knows the end and has a plan in between.

THE SUMMER OF 2017…definitely not my favorite. Undeniably one of the deepest, most spiritually fulfilling seasons of my life to date. Thinking back on it now:  the many long walks talking with God – expressing every emotion; the questions and waiting and then waiting some more; the sword swinging afternoons; the not understanding His ways, but choosing to trust Him anyway; the disappointment in not getting my requests answered by my design; the revelation of His handiwork behind the scenes – unknown to me in the moment; being all alone, but sensing the complete fullness of God’s presence and nearness; perspective shifts; perspective realignments; vulnerability; exercising faith, risking comfort; choosing peace; responding to His invitation to rest in his everlasting arms; solidifying what, how and why I believe what I believe; being okay and content with the unknown; confessing what I do know; being confident and secure in my identity; seizing opportunities; taking the next step in my journey; with a new found appreciation for introvert characteristics (yes, all my introvert friends, you heard me correctly.  Not that I didn’t appreciate you before, but I have a new appreciation for your coveted peace and quiet alone time).  Makes me teary and deeply grateful for God’s closeness and faithfulness during every step, crawl or even those flat-backed “NOPE” moments.  Never before have I invited Him to be such a deep and integral part of my life’s events and routine. Never before have I been so tested in my faith and beliefs. Never have I had to walk through such fire to emerge smoke-free. Never have I had to so completely rely on His direction, discernment and guidance in unknown foreign territory.

We all are presented with the opportunity to respond. Not all of us take it. I’m sure I have missed many along the way. I’m thankful He doesn’t keep track of those missed opportunities. Some are small, and some are greater and some are disguised as small or insignificant, but may result in maximum impact.  This is the beautiful mystery of His kingdom.  Maybe it is simply “seeing” the stranger in line behind you and initiating a conversation.  Maybe it is having a kind word, a smile or no words at all, just being present.  Maybe it is speaking truth in a refreshing genuine way.  Or maybe it is choosing peace in the midst of chaos when receiving a cancer diagnosis.  ALL DAY.  EVERY DAY.