Life After Diagnosis

June 21, 2017 – The day after diagnosis, I started taking back some ground. I think the biggest frustration for me at that time was the stigma of fear and uncertainty that is attached to the word “cancer”. I confess, I’m guilty of the saddened heart sinking feeling and emotion upon finding out about someone else’s cancer diagnosis followed by a quick relief filled breath of “glad it isn’t me”. Not so guilty anymore! For this very reason and stigma, we didn’t even use the word “cancer” when discussing with our girls (and still don’t). After all, they have no real concept of the stigma, but I didn’t want someone’s well intentioned sorrow and compassion to be their introduction.

If there is one thing I absolutely can’t stand and have zero tolerance for, it is having a victim mentality. Or being seen and treated as a victim. I am not a victim.  I was not created to be a victim, made into a victim and will not be seen as a victim. There is no place or room for a victim identity when you are created in the image of God. But knowing it and walking in the reality of an identity in Christ are two different things. Receiving a diagnosis of cancer provided the ultimate testing ground for what has always been my foundational understanding of God’s word and truth. It revealed what is truly written upon my heart. I know the power of prayer, community and support and I definitely have a fantastic support group in my family and friends!

Finding myself thrown into a world where I had no first-hand experience or understanding, overwhelmed with the information, treatment options and what-if scenarios being presented and expected to still make a decision on how to proceed was daunting. The world of cancer is a medical industry machine. Standard procedure of care is the governor. Success is measured in 5 and 10 year survival rates. And for all the research and advancements in treatment options, there still remains the ultimate fact that there is no known medical cure. Period.  End of discussion. The best that is offered is a successful attempt at removal followed by an effectively managed risk of re-occurrence.  But too often, to achieve that result involves devastating the body and its systems incurring increased risks of secondary issues and sometimes permanent damage. Welcome to the ultimate rock and hard place. The ultimate choice between lesser evils. Weighing the cost benefit of treatment options and hoping you and your medical team advised, guessed and managed successfully.

There was a lot of waiting around those first couple of months. Every time I turned around, there was more tests to run, more waiting on results followed by more information to digest before making a decision on how to proceed. The only good thing about the waiting in between was that it allowed me time to research and pray. I longed for a simple checkoff ‘to-do’ list of treatment protocols to get me over this inconvenient bump in the road. I just wanted to be on my way and get this deal behind me. “Simple” and cancer treatment protocols don’t really go together.

There is no substitute for doing your own research to educate yourself in order to speak and discuss intelligently with others including your medical professionals. In fact, at my very first appointment with the radiation oncologist, he asked ME to convince HIM why I wanted (yes, wanted) him to give me radiation. Whaaaattt?!? Now, at this point, I still had that ‘deer in the headlights’ look in these appointments – they were the experts and I was the uninformed patient reporting to my next appointment.  And at that moment, I knew I didn’t have the answer he was looking for because I was fairly certain that I did NOT WANT him to GIVE me radiation. It was a head-shaking moment because absolutely none of this journey was something I wanted or had ever fathomed. After an awkward moment, he offered to go ahead and tell me why I wanted radiation. His reason was basically a motivational argument for how could I possibly turn down radiation when “not hundreds, but thousands of women have given their lives” so that this treatment could be available to me.  I left convinced of two things: 1) he and I had very different approaches and motivations for making these kinds of decisions and 2) I would be doing more research.

There are certainly a variety of perspectives once you start looking and researching.  From the conventional medical approach to the complete alternative therapies and all the in-between, hybrid or integrative strategies – gaining a knowledge base from each perspective provides a better basis for making decisions. From the traditionally trained medical professionals to the alternative therapy experts and professionals, they each have a wealth of knowledge, information and advice to offer. In my own journey, it was my medical oncologist, Dr. E, who offered some of the best, clarifying advice in those early discovery days when he reminded me that it was still my own personal choice on what treatments I wanted to pursue. {Dramatic Pause} It was such a breath of fresh air and empowering moment that halted the frantic, whirlwind pressure I was experiencing. Almost immediately after diagnosis, you feel like you are smack dab in a raging current and being swept away just trying to keep your head above water. His words where life-giving in that moment.  They gave me peace of mind to stop, slow down and make an informed decision.

In the waiting, through my research I found Chris Wark and his Square One healing program. The timing was perfect. Chris is a wealth of information and a testimony to the body’s amazing ability to heal and so much of his information just made good sense. He has now released his book, Chris Beat Cancer: A Comprehensive Plan for Healing Naturally which I highly recommend for anyone battling significant health challenges or disease (not just cancer). After hours of researching and my own interviews of others diagnosed with breast cancer who had chosen all conventional paths, or all alternative and or some of both (integrative), I felt like I was finally finding some good footing. Regardless of what treatments were recommended, I was resolved to implement a diet change! Hello Veggies!! Cedar the guinea pig was most excited about this change! And Taylor could no longer complain about not having enough vegetables in his diet.

Seeking God and constantly asking for His revelation in every step of the journey was integral to my taking the journey with Him. Also, the power of having a praying community interceding for God’s wisdom and direction for me and my family was a necessity. Above all, my strategy was to walk in peace and if any decision was motivated by fear, it was a clear red-flag check for me to slow down, take my time and get the right perspective. I have always found Him faithful – maybe not always agreeable to implementing my design or timing – but always faithful to provide peace to make the next decision.

I would like to clarify here, I may now advocate more strongly for one approach over another, BUT I recognize this is a personal decision for anyone walking this journey. Whether they choose all conventional or all alternative, neither is easy or without its own challenges.  Making a decision to change your diet and lifestyle isn’t for the faint of will power, just like making the decision to take chemo and radiation isn’t for the faint of heart. Neither is simple to navigate, both have their challenges but God’s grace is sufficient. For me, I was most committed to walk in the divine peace God was giving and ultimately it did not include radiation. I ended up with a lumpectomy, clear lymph nodes, favorable pathology reports and doctor recommended conventional radiation which I denied at this time. I’m extremely thankful I didn’t have to say ‘no’ to chemo since Dr. E had been able to rule it out in confidence through advanced testing now available.

As the summer of 2017 came to an end, I came to the conclusion cancer is a symptom that will not be ignored and I’m playing the long game for creating a hostile environment to its survival. The journey continues… All Day. Every Day.